"Why I Drink"

From an anti drinking website:

I'm not sure that the above passage is going to stop anyone from drinking, its obvious intention. Not only are the benefits of drinking clearly outlined, but the benefits of not quitting are laid out as well. I think one of the reasons I started drinking is because the anti-drinking messages made booze sound so enticing.

I could (and probably should) quit drinking, since I think that alcohol is far more dangerous than a lot of illegal drugs out there. However, until bars start having Thursday night twenty-five-cent crack-pipe or bent-spoon specials, I'll be maintaining the ongoing party in my liver for years to come.

I drink because of easy accessibility to alcohol. There are lots of places and reasons to drink. My first drinks were had in church, where I had wine during communion (maybe if churches offered more wine or a wider variety of spirits, attendance would increase?). While in Catholic school, there was a priest that would give me all the wine that I wanted after class. He would even give me a back rub if I took my shirt off. He was a nice man.

As a drinker, I am always interested in how technology has changed my alcoholic life. For example, FLIR night vision equipped helicopters make it harder to out run the cops who are trying to pull me over for DUI. However, I think technology has truly wronged the drinking public with the special measuring pour spouts that are keeping bar regulars from getting a little extra bang for their buck. What’s next? We'll punch a code into a machine and it'll spit out a gin and tonic or whatever you want? Anyone who’s had a latte from a coin-op machine knows that this is not a good idea. Most bartenders would agree with me on this issue.

Another technological advance in the drinking world is the coin operated breathalyzer machines some bars are installing. Put in a dollar, insert a straw, blow, and your BAC is displayed. I love these machines and hope that everyone gets them installed. I've already engaged in competitions where a few guys and myself have tried to get a higher percentage. The machine we used didn’t have a place to enter our initials for a high score. Maybe future models will. My prediction is that these machines will be more popular than the ubiquitous "Golden Tee" arcade game.

There are certainly more reasons to drink than to not. In addition to the so-called "anti" message I opened with, I offer these additional reasons as to why I drink:

I drink because I have a designated driver, or because I've borrowed a friend's car.

I drink because as an Italian American, I recognize boozing as one of the four expected behaviors of having a last name that ends in a vowel. The other three are wearing too much gold, eating too much pasta, and wearing T-shirts that are too small.

I drink because sometimes while I'm in a bar, and I'm drunk, I have delusions. My favorite is where I think that I'm Han Solo in the cantina from "Star Wars." My six-foot-four friend (and drinking buddy) J.B. is my hairless wookie/sidekick. People think I'm weird when I start to brag about doing the "Kessel run in seven parsecs" and how I won my car from Lando Calrissian over a 24-pack of Colt 45.

I drink because a bottle of Jack Daniels is cheaper than a bottle of Xanax.

I drink because I'm in my twenties. You can drink all that you want while you're in your twenties. You can pass out in your car, on someone's front lawn, or in detox, and no one cares--they chalk it up to youthful indiscretion. Pass out on someone's lawn when you're 30 or older, and your so-called "friends" will all show up at your house for an intervention.

I drink because it gave me a reason to invent a bicycle water bottle cage large enough to hold a 40oz bottle of malt liquor.

In conclusion, I drink because it gives me an excuse to end a column with the phrase "In conclusion," the cheap whore of conclusion phrases.